The Random Adventures of Schwarz
by Olddeadaccountplz
Summary: Seiichiro Tatsumi here on a new penname after a LONG absence! This is my old fanfic... XD;;;. Enjoy.
1. Default Chapter

{*Tsuzuki-chan walks out with a sign again. She holds it up and smiles: "Hello, minna-san!!! I got the idea for this fic when my friend wouldn't shut up about this cat he got. Enjoy. Oh, I do like cats, really. If you found my 'Bunny Story' nasty, you might want to steer clear of this one, kiddies, 'cause it's worse. A lot worse. OOC Brad and probably everybody else in Schwartz. R&R, please"*}  
  
The Random Adventures of Schwarz!!! by Tsuzuki-chan (Seiichiro Tatsumi)  
  
Brad looked over at his favorite picture on his desk. It was his Schu- chan...in a sexy thong...He gazed at it for sometime, thinking all of the little hentai things he wanted to do to the red head once his report was typed.  
  
"What in the hell is that?!"  
  
Brad heard something coming from outside the house. When he looked outside he saw something. He quickly ran outside.  
  
---+++---  
  
"What in the hell is that thing?" said Schuldig.  
  
"I think we should eat it, personally," said Farfello as he polished his blade. Nagi looked at the man in horror.  
  
"But it's...I think it was an animal at one point in time...," Nagi looked at the creature that sat in Brad's lap. "Plus, you're not s'post to put things in your mouth when you don't know where they've been!"  
  
"How dare you talk about my kitty that way!" cried Brad. The "kitty" mewed/screeched/screamed/meowed in protest. Schuldig shuddered.  
  
"It's smelly and creepy, too. I personally wouldn't want this thing in my stomach," the red-haired man said. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but...What is its name?"  
  
"I think it should be Vomit!" chirpped Farfello. "Or Plague!"  
  
"E-bola is good, too!" chimed Schuldig. The look on Brad's face was that of shock and horror.  
  
"His name is Fuzzy!" said Brad as he grabbed his hair covered creature that MIGHT resemble a cat if you couldn't see out of one eye and the other was covered in a hazy film. "Why do you think such horrible things about him?!"  
  
"He, which is a pronoun that might be pushing the limit for what ever this thing is," said Nagi coolly, "looks as if a very large prison inmate had raped it. And set it aflame. Then stepped on it. Many times. Then he was skinned and had his flesh reattatched with a glue gun. But I don't know, nor do I want to, what caused that strange green, flem-like substance that appears to be leaking from his mouth and butt. So, thus it would be fairly accurate to call it 'Plague', 'Vomit', or 'E-bola'. I personally think the last one is the most fitting name for....Fuzzy."  
  
"You're all so mean!" said Brad. "Sure, Fuzzy might not be the best looking kitten, but you should at least try to accept that he's different from other kitties, and try to love him!!!" And with that, Brad stormed out of the kitchen with Fuzzy, who made a gurggling/meowing sound.  
  
"Thanks for telling me about the green crap coming outta its butt, Nagi," Schuldig said sacrastically.  
  
"It was a warning. I thought it might be a deadly acid or something," said the boy. "But what worries me is Brad. He's never...like this."  
  
"It's frightening," said Farfarello. "That creature is proof that God should DIE!"  
  
"I must agree with Farfie on this one," said Schuldig. "Anything that created an animal like that should die. But...Brad..."  
  
"Eww...," said Nagi. "Fuzzy's bodily fluids got all over the table. Do you guys mind if I just throw away the table?"  
  
"Not at all...," said Schuldig. "Farfie, go help Nagi with the table. I'm going to visit Brad and Fuzzy."  
  
---+++---  
  
Brad sat at his desk, and looked down at Fuzzy. Why where they so mean to him? Fuzzy was just a kitten he found. He loved Fuzzy very much, but Brad couldn't remember exactly how he met Fuzzy, despite it only being a couple of hours ago. He heard a knock at the door.  
  
"Are you ready to accept Fuzzy as a member of this household?" cried Brad from his office.  
  
"Sure, just let me come in," said Schuldig. There was a silence.  
  
"Okay, you may enter!" said Brad.  
  
Schuldig slowly opened the office door. There was a trail of that green snot stuff leading from where he was standing to Fuzzy. Schuldig looked at the rest of the office. Brad was normally a "neatness nazi" with the place, but now with Fuzzy here, it was in total disarray. Another frightening thing was that it appeared to Schuldig could have sworn that Fuzzy had swollen, or as better term might be "festered", and increased in sized. Then he looked up at Brad. To say "his hair was a mess" would be a total understatement. His normally clean suit was covered in that nasty- ass green mucus.  
  
"Uh," said Schuldig. "I think I'll be leaving now."  
  
And at that, Schuldig ran out of the office like a bat out of hell.  
  
---+++---  
  
"So...There's an extremely dangerous creature loose that causes people to lose their sanity, and eventually eats their brains and turns them into a zombie? Wouldn't Brad know about something like that?" asked Farfello.  
  
"Um, not quite," replied Nagi. "Just the part about the 'dangerous creature on the loose and sanity loss'. Eventually, if exposed to the green flem stuff long enough, a person would..."  
  
"Would what?"  
  
"Have the urges to mate with the creature, and cause more to spawn."  
  
"...So Brad's gonna hump something that resembles a groutesquely deformed offspring of a chinchilla and a cancerous rat?"  
  
"What's a chinchilla?"  
  
"The fuck if I know."  
  
"Well, anyways," Nagi continued, "to spread the offspring on a greater scale, the creature would implant the eggs into the mate...so that means..."  
  
"HAHAHA!!! Brad's gonna be a mother! And that means he's gonna have sex in a very uncomfortable place!"  
  
"In the back of Volkswagon?" Nagi asked innocently.  
  
"Um, no...er..," Farfello stuttered. He looked down at Nagi, who looked up at him curiously. "You...really don't know?"  
  
Nagi shook his head, his true innocence making him more attractive to the silver-haired man. He'd never thought about how cute and sexy Nagi could be at times. Maybe it was where the thought train had delivered him. Farfello thought that if he and the rest of intelligent life would lose to these gross creatures, he'd at least get some fine Nagi ass before the creatures got to the boy first.  
  
Then Farfello got an idea.  
  
"I'll show you what I mean, Nagi. The creature might attack, and you should know what it's like," said Farfello as he pulled Nagi to his bedroom.  
  
---+++---  
  
Schuldig looked frantically for the two remaining sane people in the house.  
  
'Where could they fucking be?! Fucking....Wait...I just pasted Farfello's room and it sounded like...No...I'll come back by there in a second. I was my imagination...'  
  
And Schuldig repeated that last line over and over again.  
  
---+++---  
  
Brad looked at Fuzzy.  
  
Fuzzy looked back at Brad and gurggled/groaned/meowed. Fuzzy pushed everything off of Crawford's desk and crawled over to him.  
  
"Fuzzy!" Brad said, bushing and covering his face like a school girl. "I've NEVER done that!!! Wait...or have I???" Brad struggled to remember something about...that guy..who...  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"Sck...Shu...Schuldig!!!" cried a more than tipsy Brad as he chased the extremely drunken Schuldig through the house and into the office. It was a party that Schuldig decided to hold on a whim, and he managed to get Nagi and even Brad into the bottle. "Don't...don't you do wa I think you're gonna do!"  
  
"Ehehehehe," laughed the drunken red-haired man, "yeaaaa, I'm gonna do it fi'ally!" Clumsily, Schuldig pushed all of the papers off of Brad's desk. Folders, laptop, pens, everything spilled to the ground.  
  
"Shit!" Crawford blurted out. Schuldig laughed again. "I'll hav'ta get tha up later..."  
  
"Oh, shu' up," Schuldig said as he pushed his lips onto Brad's and forcing his tongue into's the mouth. To his surprise (for he wasn't digging into Brad's mind at the moment), the American responded with an equal passionate kiss. Schuldig then went into Brad's mind, and knew what he should do next. A wide grin spread across the German's face. He pushed Brad onto the desk and continued the kiss. Brad could feel Schuldig's hand run all over his body. The hand started to slip into the front of--  
  
*_*_*_*_*_*  
  
"My..head...hurts...Wait, where am I? It's one of those creatures that was in the report...and...it was...going to...OH MY GOD, SAVE ME!!!" screamed Brad. He head two sets of running footsteps come to the door.  
  
"Hurt God!!!" screamed Farfello as he slid into the door with a loud thud. Eventually, the door fell down, and there stood Nagi and Farfello. Nagi was quickly straightening out the front of his suit, and he was sweating. Farfello was Farfello.  
  
Quick to follow was Schuldig. "What in the hell is that?!"  
  
"It's an extremely dangerous creat--" Nagi started.  
  
"No, no, no, no, I mean, I'M the only one who can knock stuff off of Brad's desk!!! Now, you die." Schuldig jumped onto Fuzzy and started to beat the crap out of him. Brad quickly joined into the beating. Farfello started to help too. Nagi stood there in a trance, still amazed at what had happened minutes before in Farfello's room. He blushed slightly, but quickly came back to reality.  
  
"Everybody!" he cried. "You have to set Fuzzy on fire to kill him!!!"  
  
"On the shelf!" Brad said, pointing at a lighter. Nagi ran for it. The three that were beating Fuzzy started to move their fight near a window. The Japanese boy quickly came over and lit Fuzzy on fire. Fuzzy made that nasty gurggle/mew noise again as all four members of Schwarz pushed him/it out the window. It landed on the ground with a nice thud as he/it burned.  
  
"Well, that was interesting. Let's go get smashed," said Schuldig as he put his arms around the others.  
  
---+++---  
  
{*Tsuzuki-chan walks out with a sign: "That was rather nasty. But this will be a series, so watch out."*} 


	2. Chapter 02

{*Tsuzuki-chan walks out on stage. Not only does she have a sign, she has the mangled and burned corpse of Fuzzy. She gives the corpse to Schuldig, who then gives it to Siko Kidou. Schuldig quickly runs off to wash his hands. Tsuzuki-chan holds up her sign that says: "Hello, minna-san! I give Fuzzy's corpse to Siko 'cause she wanted it. I love your fics, Siko! Er, anyways, I'm continuing to make Brad's life a living hell!!! That's all you need to know! This fic is for all the people who scream 'GOOD BYE MY MARS! I SHOT YOUR PIGS!' to random people." Tsuzuki-chan quickly runs off stage and tackles her Farfello, who promptly pushes her off. When she falls, Farfie snickers about how when he pushes her, he hurts god. Tsuzuki- chan cries, and then jumps on Ken, who is nicer to her than Farfie.*}  
  
The Random Adventures of Schwarz!!! (What Happens When Assassination Isn't Enough to Pay the Bills) (Part I) by Tsuzuki-chan (Seiichiro Tatsumi)  
  
Nagi was usually the one who took care of the house. Not like cleaning or anything, but he did do that often. Nagi was the only other person than Brad that could effectively take care of the home's finances, repairs, and such. Brad would have done it too, but he was the leader, and he had to write their reports up. Nagi and Brad both had more sense than to let Schuldig or Farfello care of those sorts of things, anyways. Schuldig would just squander all of their money away on useless things. Farfello would probably be good at managing everything if he wasn't insane. Nagi somehow had a strange love for those people at the house. After the "Fuzzy Incident", Farfello had...done something to him.  
  
Nagi blushed when he thought about that. He'd never thought about it in his life before. But it gave him a warm, cuddlely feeling in his heart. He...wanted to share that with the one boy he loved the most. Nagi had fought against him many times, but hid his feelings. 'That other boy's name was Omi, right?'  
  
Nagi froze his thoughts about his beloved, and looked at the calculations he had made.  
  
It was time for an emergency Schwarz meeting.  
  
****--^--****  
  
Crawford, Schuldig, and Farfello sat on the couch looking at the youngest member of Schwarz standing infront of them. Schuldig was latched onto Brad's arm. Brad had a Schuldig on his arm, and wasn't moving. Farfello was Farfello, as always.  
  
"It has come to my attention that we will not have enough money to continue living in this house," Nagi said. That quickly caught the German man's attention. "The only way we can continue to live here is if we--and I do mean all of us, Schuldig--get jobs. I have already pulled strings for us to be employed at Walmart."  
  
"What in the HELL?" cried Schuldig. "Nein! Nein!!!" Schuldig always screamed in German when there was unfortunate news, such as him having to work or clean. He soon started to scream in very fast and very unintelligeble German.  
  
"Calm down," Brad said to his lover, holding his hand. Brad looked up at Nagi. "When do we start?"  
  
"Tomorrow."  
  
****--^--****  
  
Aya, Yohji, and Ken say on the couch looking up at the youngest member of Weiss standing infront of them. Yohji was latched onto Aya's arm. Aya had a Yohji on his arm, and wasn't moving. Ken was Ken, as always.  
  
"Um, guys," mumbled Omi. "The flower shop job isn't paying us enough to buy food this month. We have to get another job somewhere. And all of us-- yes, all of us, Yohji--have to work."  
  
"We should have enough money for food this month. What happened?" asked Aya, looking at his three other teammates.  
  
:::FLASHBACK:::  
  
Ken, Omi, and Yohji park their car in front of a hotel with a sign that says "YaoiFest" on it. Ken is dressed as Muraki, Omi as Tsuzuki, and Yohji as Shuiichi. Yohji runs in the hotel, where he kneels down on the floor, reaches up for the sky, and screams "I have found heaven!!!" right before he goes to the dealers' room. Omi and Ken skip marrily to the dealers' room soon afterward. The three of them cosplay, go to all-night showings of Gravitation, Yami no Matsuei, and a funky movie called Natsu He no Tobira, and buy lots of yaoi stuff. Plus Ken did karaoke to the Trowa image song "Make My Way" there, too.  
  
:::END OF FLASHBACK:::  
  
Ken whistled innocently, and Yohji looked away from Aya. Omi blushed and continued.  
  
"I was able to get us all jobs at Walmart," Omi said. Yohji's eyes got huge with fear. Aya blinked. Ken sniffled.  
  
"When do we start?" asked Aya.  
  
"Tomorrow."  
  
****--^--****  
  
All of the members of Schwarz started work that day, as did all of the members of Weiss. It was a chance meeting from hell. They all would have broken out into a fight right then and there, but they were in a store. A store in which they now work.  
  
Another amazing thing is that both Weiss and Schwarz were dressed normally. Well, Weiss dressed normal anyways, save Yohji, who still dressed like a manwhore. Schwarz was another matter. Brad wore a t-shirt and a tight pair of jeans that showed off his nice ass. Obviously, Schuldig dressed him. Schuldig decided to wear a baggy shirt, baggy cargo pants, and his sunglasses and a bandana on his head. Nagi wore an orange shirt and blue jeans. But the most stunning of changes came from Farfello. He was wearing black pants and a "Quick Stop" t-shirt.  
  
The manager walked up to the group of boys and smiled. She was one of those types that were always cheerful and smiling to no end. Upon her appearence, Yohji held on to Aya's hand tightly.  
  
"Hello!!!" said the woman. "I'm Cindy! You guys must be the new employees, right?"  
  
"Yes, we are," said Nagi and Omi at the same time. They looked at eachother and blushed, then became very quiet.  
  
"Ohh, and what are your names???" asked Cindy, cheerfully.  
  
"Crawford. Brad Crawford." //I'm in hell, and...this Cindy woman is Satan's servant.//  
  
"Kudou Yohji." //Maybe if the "Kudou Charm" kicks in, I'll get a raise, and Aya and I won't have to work in this hell hole.//  
  
"Hidaka Ken." //I wonder if there's gonna be any kids...//  
  
"Naoe Nagi." //Man, that Omi's hot...//  
  
"Fujimiya Aya." //...SHI~~~NE//  
  
"Tsukiyono Omi." //That Schwarz guy over there is kinda cute...Maybe he, Ken, and I can have a threeway...//  
  
"Farfello." //I hope this job involves hurting God...//  
  
"Schuldig." //I want sex now!!! I hope Cindy dies...Hmm...I'll look into her mind... Wait! She has..has....no thoughts! She's just a bubble...That's creepy.//  
  
"Don't you two have last names???" said the overly perky Cindy. Farfello looked at Schuldig, who just shrugged. "Oh, well! I'll tell you which departments you guys work in!"  
  
Cindy led the eight guys to the first area: the children's department. Cindy scanned over the group to find which guy looked like the most child friendly: the man with an evil look and glasses, the guy with the evil look and the red hair, the small boy with a happy smile, the smaller boy with no expression, the guy with scars and an eyepatch, the handsome guy with red hair, the manwhore, and the guy saying "pickmepickme!!!".  
  
"How about you, Mr. Farfello!" said Cindy, pointing to the one-eyed man in the back. Schuldig repressed a severe case of giggles. Ken secretly envied Farfello because he got to work with kids, and frowned. Cindy told Farfello, and the rest, how to ring up items and how to do various other things. After awhile, Cindy started to repeat herself, and every one was getting sick of it.  
  
"Price checks are of no relivance within the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL!!!" screamed Crawford. This caught everyone's attention except Cindy's. She kept talking about scanners and bar codes and crap. Bradley Crawford was about to go insane.  
  
For once, Aya had to agree with his nemisis.  
  
They were in Hell.  
  
Once she was done, Cindy led the remaining seven boys to the toys section. There she left Ken, Omi, and Nagi. Ken was happy that he got to work with the kids, especially with Omi. Omi and Nagi thought about one thing: a chance for a threeway.  
  
Cindy put Schuldig and Yohji in, what Yohji called, the best section ever. Both Brad and Aya thought that was a total mistake putting those two together in the women's underwear section.  
  
That left Brad and Aya alone. Together. Cindy took them to the part they feared the most: the check out lanes.  
  
---(CHILDREN'S CLOTHING)---  
  
Farfello had started the day out without any major occurences. Sure, the mothers of small children looked at him oddly, but they paid no attention to him really. He was doing his job. All the kids thought he was pretty cool, actually. Eventually, one little kid, by the name of Timmy, came up to Farfello. Timmy was probably about five. He had big blue eyes, and brown hair.  
  
"Hello, mithter," said Timmy . Farfello looked down from his folding at the small child. Timmy smiled, and Farfello did too. "My name ith Timmy. What'th yourth?"  
  
Farfello thought for a minute. Working at Walmart wasn't going to be so bad. He could find kids that could help him hurt God! It was the best plan he had ever thought of!!!  
  
"My name is Farfello," he responded. "Do you have any more friends with you?" Timmy nodded.  
  
"Yeth I do, Uncle Farfello!"  
  
"Are they...grown ups???"  
  
"No, thir! You're the only cool grown up that I know!"  
  
"Excellent... When you get your friends, go and get some knives. Lots of them. Then come back here, okay?"  
  
"But my mommy thayth that kniveth are bad 'cauthe they cut!"  
  
"No, that's why they're good! They hurt people, so thus it hurts God!"  
  
Timmy blinked, then ran off to get his friends and the knives. Farfello went back to folding clothes as he laughed.  
  
---(TOYS)---  
  
Ken was in bliss. Not only did he get to be with Omi, he was with kids. And toys. Ken was also quite popular with the kids at the store. The soccer player was probably the best salesman in the store when it came to selling toys. He would have been the best salesman in the store, but Schuldig had that title.  
  
Omi was liked by the kids, too. But he really didn't care. Well, it's Omi, so he cared. But his mind was preoccupied by the two other workers in the toy department. Nagi was just cute as hell. Omi would sneek glances over at the other boy and wave. Ken was displaying that big brother side of himself, and Omi found that cute, too.  
  
Nagi wasn't really liked by the kids, nor was he hated. Nagi would help both Omi, and Ken. Nagi pretty much had the "if you don't attack me, I won't attack you" theory with Ken. And Ken was having too much fun with the kids to care about Nagi or any other members of Schwarz. Nagi had eventually built up enough courage to walk over to Omi and talk.  
  
"Hello, Omi-kun," Nagi said quietly. Omi looked over at Nagi from pricing a cat doll. Omi smiled sweetly.  
  
"Are you having a problem, Nagi-kun?" Omi asked when he saw the younger boy's extremely nervous face. Nagi was quick to shake his head.  
  
"No, not at all!" exclaimed Nagi. "Er..um...Do you like cats?" Poor Nagi couldn't think of any other way to start a coverstation.  
  
"Hai! I love cats!" Omi said happily.  
  
"I like them too!" Nagi paused for a second. Suddenly a little chibi devil Nagi sat on Nagi's shoulder, and whispered something in Nagi's ear. "I like snakes, too. Do you like snakes?"  
  
"Of course! I love all types of animals, Nagi-kun!"  
  
"Do you...like trouser snakes?" Farfello was tought Nagi this line. Farfello told him to use it in desperate pick-up situations only.  
  
"What's a trouser snake?" asked Omi innocently.  
  
"Um.." Nagi looked at his devil chibi, then another one appeared on his other shoulder.  
  
'You thought there was going to be an angel here, right? Well you're wrong!' said the second devil chibi Nagi. 'Go on kid, whip your dick out! That's what Farfie told ya to do!'  
  
'But...Farfello is criminally insane...' protested Nagi mentally. He heard the snickering of a certain German psychic in the back of his mind. 'Oh, shut up, Schuldig!' Suddenly, the two devils disappeared. Nagi was about to reach into his pants and whip out his equipment, when a chibi angel Nagi appeared. Chibi angel Nagi looked like he had just gotten the crap kicked out of him.  
  
'Nagi, put the dick down! Do you want to whip it out in front of him, or do you want to wait, when you can do somewhere sane?' Nagi pondered that for a second. His angel continued: 'Look at him. Isn't he just innocent.' Nagi looked over at Omi, who was looking at him happily still.  
  
'I guess..I should...wait until he wants me to...'  
  
'Good...now remember...don't whip out your dick until he asks...or until he's sleeping. Now, I have go beat the shit out of two little sucker- punching assholes. Later!' The angel disappeared, leaving Nagi and Omi alone with the stuffed animals.  
  
"Um, a trouser snake...is..er...um a rare breed of snake! Yeah..that's right."  
  
Suddenly, Ken came running down the aisle.  
  
"OMI!!!" screamed the soccer player. "All the kids left!!!" Ken jumped into Omi's arms and became SD. Nagi frowned and went back to work.  
  
Somehow, a metal firetruck fell on Ken's head.  
  
---(WOMEN'S UNDERGARMENTS)---  
  
Yohji and Schuldig were quick to become friends. They were some of the biggest whores around, so of course they got along. All the women at the Walmart came to see them. Schuldig basically would read minds to get the women to buy things. Yohji would use the "Kudou Charm" to get women to buy stuff. Once the intial crowd of women left, Schuldig turned to Yohji and smirked.  
  
"That was way too easy," said the red haired man.  
  
"Totally," Yohji said as he lit a ciggarette. Yohji remembered something about not smoking, but frankly, he didn't care. Schuldig took another swig of Jagermeister and hid the bottle under the counter. "Hey, SchuSchu."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Was it me, or did I see a bunch of little kids carrying lots of knives to the check out lanes?"  
  
"...Your cigs have pot in 'em, don't they?"  
  
"Don't tell Aya. I save these only when I have real work like this."  
  
"Ah..'kay. I understand. But remember what they said in kindergarden..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You gotta share."  
  
---(CHECK OUT LANES)---  
  
Aya and Brad were the only two that didn't get along. They glared at eachother all day. Then it regressed into seeing how fast they could ring up items.  
  
"....." said Aya. //My cashier technique is superior to yours.//  
  
"....." said Brad in responce. //Show me, Weiss boy. I shall smash you with my mighty powers!//  
  
"....." //Bring it on!//  
  
"....." //Let us see who is superior with the next group of costumers!//  
  
".....?" //They're all...kids?//  
  
"......" //And they all have knives.//  
  
"......" //Let us hold this match another day. For know I have to ring up knives!!!//  
  
"......"  
  
"......"  
  
"......." //Thank God we usually don't talk like this.//  
  
"...." //I agree.//  
  
****--^--****  
  
Pretty much the next two weeks were like this. Farfello built up his Kids for Making God Hurt A Lot (KMGHAL) forces, training them and pronouncing Timmy second in command. Ken became sad that all the kids were gone, but every once in a while, a kid came by, and that made Ken very happy. Omi and Nagi still wanted to have a threeway. Schuldig and Yohji sold the most bras and panties ever in Walmart history, an amazing feat considering they were both drunk and high the entire time. Aya and Brad continued to have tests of manhood against eachother, ranging in stupidity from "Bagging Contests" to "Let's See Who Can Push the Most Shopping Carts" to "Who Can Drink the Most Slushie Syrup Before Vomitting". At the end of each week, all eight boys got their paychecks. Only one more week of Walmart hell, then they'd be fine...  
  
Just one more.  
  
****--^END OF PART I^--**** 


End file.
